Holiday Daughtering: Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
Baylor expert offers strategies for how adult daughters can create a balanced and meaningful holiday season
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The holidays are supposed to be joyful, but for adult daughters, they can feel like a tightrope walk. Between parents, in-laws, stepparents and your own traditions with family and friends, the juggling act can leave you drained before the season even begins.
The good news? It doesn’t have to be this way. Adult daughters can create a holiday season that feels balanced and meaningful by setting boundaries early and being clear about their own needs. It might feel awkward or even spark some frustration at first, but the payoff – peace and sanity – is worth it, said Baylor University’s Allison M. Alford, Ph.D., clinical associate professor of business communication at the Hankamer School of Business and author of the upcoming book, “Good Daughtering.” Alford specializes in the study of how adult daughters shoulder what she calls the “invisible labor” of maintaining family unity.
The challenges of holiday juggling
Family holiday dynamics are tricky. Parents may expect adult daughters to carry on the traditions they grew up with, while in-laws and stepparents often have their own expectations. Add in family traditions, friend gatherings and the traditions daughters want to build for themselves, and it’s easy to see why the holidays can feel overwhelming.
“It’s natural to want to keep everyone happy, but overcommitting leads to burnout and resentment,” Alford said. “This year, consider a new approach: prioritizing what feels right for you and letting others adjust.”
Taking control of holiday plans
Decide what you want first
Alford suggests that before adult daughters even start talking to family, they take time to reflect on what matters most to them this season. Is it spending quiet time with their spouse or partner? Hosting a small dinner with friends? Skipping a crowded family event? Adult daughter should define their priorities and let them guide decisions.
Communicate early and clearly
Once adult daughters know their plan, they should communicate it early.
“Be clear and direct about what you will and won’t do,” Alford said. “For example: ‘This year, we’re spending Christmas morning at home, but we’d love to join for dinner in the afternoon’ or ‘We can’t travel this year, but let’s plan a get-together when things settle down in January.’”
Stating plans early gives others time to adjust and avoids last-minute conflicts, Alford said.
Accept awkwardness and pushback
Adult daughters setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if family members are upset or disappointed. And that’s okay, Alford said.
“Acknowledge their feelings without compromising your own needs,” she said. “Try saying: ‘I understand this is different than what we’ve done before, but it’s what works best for us this year.’”
Why saying “no” is an act of love
Saying no to plans you don’t want to do isn’t selfish – it’s necessary. When adult daughters honor their needs, they show up as their best selves, ultimately strengthening their relationships.
“Holidays should be about connection, not obligation,” Alford said. “By setting the plan early and prioritizing what matters most to you, you can create a joyful and fulfilling season for everyone – including yourself.”
*Information used with permission from the Daughtering 101 Substack.
ABOUT ALLISON M. ALFORD, Ph.D.
Allison M. Alford, Ph.D., clinical associate professor of business communication at Baylor University’s Hankamer School of Business and author of the upcoming book, “Good Daughtering” (Dey Street Books, an imprint of Harper Collins Publishers, February 2026), studies how adult daughters shoulder what she calls the “invisible labor” of maintaining family unity. Her research highlights the active role of “daughtering” – the intentional ways daughters relate to and care for their parents. She highlights her work on Substack, Instagram and her website daughtering101.com.
ABOUT BAYLOR UNIVERSITY
Baylor University is a private Christian University and a nationally ranked Research 1 institution. The University provides a vibrant campus community for 20,000 students by blending interdisciplinary research with an international reputation for educational excellence and a faculty commitment to teaching and scholarship. Chartered in 1845 by the Republic of Texas through the efforts of Baptist pioneers, Baylor is the oldest continually operating University in Texas. Located in Waco, Baylor welcomes students from all 50 states and more than 100 countries to study a broad range of degrees among its 12 nationally recognized academic divisions. Learn more about Baylor University at www.baylor.edu.
ABOUT THE HANKAMER SCHOOL OF BUSINESS
Baylor University’s Hankamer School of Business strives to further God’s kingdom through the realm of business, using God-given gifts and academic talents to do so. Faculty and students conduct purposeful research and participate in experiential learning opportunities, all while operating in a Christ-centered mission. Undergraduate students can choose from 13 major areas of study. Graduate students can earn their MBA on their terms, either through the full-time, online or a Dallas-based executive program. The Business School also offers three Ph.D. programs in Information Systems, Entrepreneurship or Health Services Research. The School’s top-ranked programs make up approximately 25% of the University’s total enrollment. Visit the Hankamer School of Business website for more information.